Time, why do I never have enough?

Really?!?! I never seem to have enough time or strength or energy to do anything that I want to get done. And it seems that something I can't control always happens or gets in my way.

Summertime

Brian's birthday celebration went great. It was a little embarrassing telling people that he found out because he checked my email. It made it sound like he's crazy obsessive. Which, of course, he's not. He just knew something was going on and decided to take a little peek.

I'm fighting a yucky summer cold. I hope it passes quickly and without much of the runny nose and watery eyes.

We've got an "end of summer bash" to go to on Saturday. I'm so excited. I won't have either kid, we're spending the night so I don't have to worry about driving all the way home from somewhere I've only been once. I hate to drive anymore. It's weird but ever since I've become a stay at home mom, I really don't like it.

I've got a lot to do today, so I shouldn't really be on the computer updating my blog but hey, I'm taking a sick day. (Kids are still here so it doesn't really count as a sick day but I'm planning on just hanging out on the couch.)

I start watching Baby Sarah on Thursday. YAY! I think it'll somehow help me to have another baby around. I still miss Kameron. Even though I didn't have him and he was never here for me to take care of, it's the planning to take care of him and getting used to the idea of having a third baby and then having it taken away from you. I'm dreading October. On the bright side, I've been contemplating wether or not I believe in God and if I do, what is the reason he took my baby away? If I don't, then it was just a scientific/ biological thing. So it's a catch 22, if I believe in God I'm so mad at him. I love you Kameron. If there is a heaven I know you're there along with Sarah. It's hard to believe it's been a year since we lost her. The world is less bright without her here.

Revamping and birthdays

I've been doing a little blog remodel. I can't seem to find a background I am in love with. So, I settled. I'm not usually a settler but today is the exception. See, I shouldn't even really be on here. I should be up and cleaning my house or baking a cake. Tonight is Brian's birthday dinner. Yummy stuffed pork tenderloin, corn on the cob, home made mashed potatoes with cheddar cheese, red lobster style biscuits. mmmm.....plus birthday cake. How could life get any better? I'll tell you how. If I could keep my house clean. I feel like I do the same thing every single day. Pick up the same toys. Put away the same couch throw pillows and fix the same food for breakfast and lunch wash the same dishes. Any tips on how to break up the monotony of my day would be greatly appreciated!!!

Weekly recap....(i need to just post more often, i know)

Weekly recap.....

It's shark week.

We need to do our fantasy football draft.

Brian's birthday is the 7th. I have to make a dinner for him on the 6th because Malakai won't be here this weekend :( I miss my little boy every minute he's not with me. But his happiness is WAY more important that mine. We're going to Rick's for Brian's birthday friday night. Josie is spending the night with my mom. :( My house feels so empty without them. I'll get up bright and early Saturday morning to go get my little pumpkin.

The rest of the week went like this. Cleaning, cooking, change diaper, eat, bath, nap, let out dog. REPEAT

Brotherly love....

Okay, so my brother and I haven't exactly been talking since like February. I think it's so childish but here's the story. I had a birthday party for my son, Malakai, at our house. I invited my whole family and my husband's whole family. So apparently, when my brother-in-law went to hug me bye my brother got offended. My house was crammed full of people. I had a hard time walking through the hallway. I had to worry about ordering pizza (enough for everyone, toppings, and what time to order it...) Plus here's the real kicker of why I was totally not myself. That's the day we told both of our families we were having another baby. :( (makes me sad to think about that day now) I just want to yell at him. "How can you be so selfish?" It makes no sense to me. I'm going to try to sit down and have and ADULT conversation with him. I hope I don't cry. I always cry. I hate hormones.

Recap

I'm goint to get caught up on everything in one swoop. Since losing the baby, I feel as though each day it's harder to get up. Harder to make myself do things. I'm trying so hard to get through it and be strong. Everyone seems to have gotten over except me. Do people get over it?

Malakai is the sweetest thing ever. He has been so lovable lately. More so than usual. He told Josie tonight that she is the best sister ever. I wish Josie would say "mama" I worry that she's behind on her talking.

My grandpa is getting married Saturday. Gross. The reason it's so gross is that my grandma only passed away 7 months ago. It makes me sad. Part of me thinks that he was with this woman before my grandma passed away. Which makes me sick to my stomach.

Brian and I seem to be fighting a lot lately. It's frustrating! I feel like we can't communicate. Maybe it's more me than him. Because I'm on some sort of emotional roller coaster. I think I'm going to go in for a physical with my general practitioner.

I can't believe it's been 2 months and 2 days since the miscarriage. I want Josie to be a big sister and I want them to be close in age but I just can't wrap my head around being pregnant again. Just as I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of just being "unpregnant" after we lost the baby.

I love you Kameron. May you rest in Jesus' arms.

We got the test results back....

Friday, we had a doctor's appointment for my post D&C checkup. They also ended up having the test results back. I don't think either Brian or I thought they would be in already. First off the baby was a boy. A little brother for my kids. He had Trisomy 21. Which Dr. Brenner said was downs syndrome. She said that 78% of pregnancy where the baby has Trisomy 21 result in miscarriage. While it's good to know that I didn't kill my baby by lifting something that was too heavy or doing too much yard work, I'm still angry. I'm angry at God mostly. I've always been the person to say "God will never give you more than you can handle" I could've handled having him. I would have loved him no differently than I do Malakai or Josilyn. It's not fair. I will always love him and think of him everyday. He's my angel.

Harder

It seems to be harder when it's just me and the kids. With no adults to distract me all I can think about is the baby. I was reading a book today at the mall while sipping coffee and the lady in the book picked out "Cameron" for a baby name. I, out of habit, put my hand on my stomach and instantly felt empty inside. I can't sleep. Brian acts as though he's fine. I don't want him to see me upset. I just want to lay on the floor and kick and scream because it's not fair. I just want my baby back.

Empty arms for Kameron

This is the first of many blogs that I will post about my little angel, Kameron. No one seems to understand how I feel. I try to not let them see me upset. It takes sooo much energy to keep a smile on my face at all times. The only time I cry is in the bath tub with the door locked. I miss being pregnant. I miss sharing my body with my baby. I miss knowing Kameron. I'll never see my baby's face, or wipe tears, or kiss boo boo's. I'll never get a hug or a kiss or and "I love you mom" I know this might sound selfish or mean but it's hard having a miscarriage after you already have children. Don't get me wrong, I love them. But people keep telling me "be strong for the kids" and "at least you have malakai and josie"....because I have them doesn't mean I loved Kameron any less. Sometimes when they do something cute or even not so cute and I've been thinking about the baby, I think "I'll never see Kameron do that" When does the emptyness go away????

AAHHHH!!!

So it's that time of the year again. You know that happy, jolly, merry TIME! Yeah right! I swear that being married with children sucks at Christmas. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and my husband too but for goodness sakes, could he complicate things anymore than he is right now?? Here's the story:
My grandma passed away 3 weeks ago today. My mom is taking it really hard. In all of the years passed I've either lived with her or spent the night Christmas Eve night. So ever since my son has been alive she has shared Christmas morning with him and this is my daughters first Christmas. So my husband thinks it's a great year to take that away from her. I don't think it's because he cares about this whole "tradition" thing like he's letting on, I think it's more of he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings in his family.
I don't even know why I let myself get upset at anything he says. But he says I'm stupid for not wanting to give my kids christmas.....I love my kids. More than life. So why am I letting some stupid thing he said bother me so badly. I mean I do want to stay here Christmas morning but I can't justify in my heart doing that to my mom.

Will we all make it back in one piece?

We're going on our first MINI vacation since having the baby, and it's actually been like a year and a half. Its going to be a four hour drive. So hopefully Brian and I both make it back in one piece and still talking. JK...I love him but his OCD can be a little irratating especially being confined to one room. :) Plus I didn't mention that this is a work trip for him...so I'm going to be on my best behavior because I don't want to stress him out even more. So that way when he does get mad at me at least I'll know it's not really my fault. I'll update later!!

It's me, take it or leave it!!

I am Married and a Mother! My hair is brown, well at least it is right now. It's blonde most of the time. I have brown eye's. I am 5'1" so I'm told, But you could argue that! My Birthday is September 3rd. I’m a VIRGO. I have a Birthmark between my eyes that shows up when I’m angry or upset. (hate it) I am MOSTLY laid back. I am who I am, your approval isn't needed! I drink rarely (especially not right now) and smoke never. z

Nothing Lasts forever,
So live it up,
Drink it down,
Laugh it off,
Avoid the BULLSHIT,
take chances&&
NEVER have regrets.
because at one point,
everything you did,
was EXACTLY what you wanted!

I have put out too much time, and too many tears for the people that would never once think twice about my emotions or having time for me. I am going to stand on my own and be strong, I'm not going to let people push me anymore, and think they have power over my emotions. It doesn't matter anymore, if I am standing alone or if some one stands with me, at least I will still be standing. I know I am a good person and if you can't see that then maybe you should get your eyes checked! I have more Y than you will ever know! Call me whatever you want, but just remember, karmas a bitch!!

I love the Sunshine and Summertime, My flipflops and cute tops. I love manicures and pedicures, my hair up, && my shades on. I love make-up, lip gloss, and shoes. I love coffee, sand, lakes and rivers. I love oceans (NO SHARKS). I love tanning, and cookouts with family and friends! I love parties, old friends and new friends, smiling and having as awesome time! I love walks in the morning, and walks at night. I love those nights that turn into mornings, Laughing && talking and just chillin with the people that make me feel good!

I love Fantasy Football (gimme a break....it's my first year) Movies (whenever my hubby gets around to taking me to one), Shopping, Friends, Party's, Music, Singing in the shower (come on who doesn't?), Hiking, Camping, ♥Coloring in coloring books (I'm a kid at heart), Painting, anything to do with art! Chance, Family, Road Trips, CoffeeCoffeeCoffee!

I look forward to meeting "real" people; people with goals, aspirations and those who are caring and good-hearted. Hate and vengeance are very dangerous things and they can be consuming . . I have learned over the years to accept people as they are rather then try and turn them into something they are not. I try my best to surround myself with positive and up-beat people who want have a desire to do good things in the world. I think I am rambling now . .

Malakai Aiden Karle

My little boy came into my life on Thursday, February 24th at 5:11 pm. He's been amazing ever since. My first child to care for. He is such a sweet little boy. He loves everyone and makes sure no one is left out. He's my pride and joy.