Blog Neglect/ Past few months in review

WOW!

So it's Christmas weekend and I haven't written on here since like August...pathetic I know. Anyway, I dropped by my friend's blog and it was so cute and funny and made me feel like I talked to her everyday (when sadly, I don't) but I really need to get back to blogging. I miss it. I like being able to ramble. No one in my family really listens to me on a regular basis so this is the next best thing. And it's pretty darn good. Sadly, not too much has happened. So I'm going to do a monthly review.

September: My birthday was on the 3rd, kind of sad. Got cards from my wonderful husband, kids and MIL but no one else.

October: My grandpa passed away and it was hard to deal with because it's my paternal grandpa and I don't talk to my dad. So I had to physically see him on the 14th. So, because of that my mom got really angry with me and we didn't speak for awhile. When we finally did, it wasn't so good (and I, personally, think it hasn't been the same since.) My baby boy Kameron was due on the 18th. God, it's been hard to deal with the realization that he's not here and he should be. It's a daily struggle.

November: Pretty boring other than Thanksgiving and making up with my mom (again, still isn't the same as before the blow-up) Oh yeah, my brother still isn't speaking to me.

December: My kids are soooo spoiled. Tons and Tons of Christmas presents. I'm kind of mad about Christmas though. We decided to not spend the night at my mom's (TONS of different reasons) but anyway, she decided that coming over as soon as we woke up on Christmas morning just wasn't good enough. So she asked me if she could pick up the kids the day before Christmas Eve. I, of course trying to keep the drama at bay, said "sure". But when she came and picked up the kids she was saying "Oh Josh (my brother that isn't speaking to me), is waiting on a phone call from a guy that he works with to call and he's going to come over dressed as Santa Claus." Did I mention that she didn't invite Brian and I? And When I asked her if she just wanted us to drive up so she didn't have to pick up the kids she said "no, that's okay, I just want to spend time with my grandkids." I hate hate hate arguing with my family. But I also hate feeling this way. I'm hurt and irritated and angry. I feel like I'm alienated from my family. Christmas was SO awkward. Sitting in her family room with Josh on the couch not looking at me or speaking to me. It's stupid. If things aren't better by next year, I'm just not going. Christmas is a season of love and family, not the season to argue and fight and ignore each other. 

My kids had a lovely Christmas. I guess nothing else really matters other than that!

Time, why do I never have enough?

Really?!?! I never seem to have enough time or strength or energy to do anything that I want to get done. And it seems that something I can't control always happens or gets in my way.

Summertime

Brian's birthday celebration went great. It was a little embarrassing telling people that he found out because he checked my email. It made it sound like he's crazy obsessive. Which, of course, he's not. He just knew something was going on and decided to take a little peek.

I'm fighting a yucky summer cold. I hope it passes quickly and without much of the runny nose and watery eyes.

We've got an "end of summer bash" to go to on Saturday. I'm so excited. I won't have either kid, we're spending the night so I don't have to worry about driving all the way home from somewhere I've only been once. I hate to drive anymore. It's weird but ever since I've become a stay at home mom, I really don't like it.

I've got a lot to do today, so I shouldn't really be on the computer updating my blog but hey, I'm taking a sick day. (Kids are still here so it doesn't really count as a sick day but I'm planning on just hanging out on the couch.)

I start watching Baby Sarah on Thursday. YAY! I think it'll somehow help me to have another baby around. I still miss Kameron. Even though I didn't have him and he was never here for me to take care of, it's the planning to take care of him and getting used to the idea of having a third baby and then having it taken away from you. I'm dreading October. On the bright side, I've been contemplating wether or not I believe in God and if I do, what is the reason he took my baby away? If I don't, then it was just a scientific/ biological thing. So it's a catch 22, if I believe in God I'm so mad at him. I love you Kameron. If there is a heaven I know you're there along with Sarah. It's hard to believe it's been a year since we lost her. The world is less bright without her here.

Revamping and birthdays

I've been doing a little blog remodel. I can't seem to find a background I am in love with. So, I settled. I'm not usually a settler but today is the exception. See, I shouldn't even really be on here. I should be up and cleaning my house or baking a cake. Tonight is Brian's birthday dinner. Yummy stuffed pork tenderloin, corn on the cob, home made mashed potatoes with cheddar cheese, red lobster style biscuits. mmmm.....plus birthday cake. How could life get any better? I'll tell you how. If I could keep my house clean. I feel like I do the same thing every single day. Pick up the same toys. Put away the same couch throw pillows and fix the same food for breakfast and lunch wash the same dishes. Any tips on how to break up the monotony of my day would be greatly appreciated!!!

Weekly recap....(i need to just post more often, i know)

Weekly recap.....

It's shark week.

We need to do our fantasy football draft.

Brian's birthday is the 7th. I have to make a dinner for him on the 6th because Malakai won't be here this weekend :( I miss my little boy every minute he's not with me. But his happiness is WAY more important that mine. We're going to Rick's for Brian's birthday friday night. Josie is spending the night with my mom. :( My house feels so empty without them. I'll get up bright and early Saturday morning to go get my little pumpkin.

The rest of the week went like this. Cleaning, cooking, change diaper, eat, bath, nap, let out dog. REPEAT

Brotherly love....

Okay, so my brother and I haven't exactly been talking since like February. I think it's so childish but here's the story. I had a birthday party for my son, Malakai, at our house. I invited my whole family and my husband's whole family. So apparently, when my brother-in-law went to hug me bye my brother got offended. My house was crammed full of people. I had a hard time walking through the hallway. I had to worry about ordering pizza (enough for everyone, toppings, and what time to order it...) Plus here's the real kicker of why I was totally not myself. That's the day we told both of our families we were having another baby. :( (makes me sad to think about that day now) I just want to yell at him. "How can you be so selfish?" It makes no sense to me. I'm going to try to sit down and have and ADULT conversation with him. I hope I don't cry. I always cry. I hate hormones.

Recap

I'm goint to get caught up on everything in one swoop. Since losing the baby, I feel as though each day it's harder to get up. Harder to make myself do things. I'm trying so hard to get through it and be strong. Everyone seems to have gotten over except me. Do people get over it?

Malakai is the sweetest thing ever. He has been so lovable lately. More so than usual. He told Josie tonight that she is the best sister ever. I wish Josie would say "mama" I worry that she's behind on her talking.

My grandpa is getting married Saturday. Gross. The reason it's so gross is that my grandma only passed away 7 months ago. It makes me sad. Part of me thinks that he was with this woman before my grandma passed away. Which makes me sick to my stomach.

Brian and I seem to be fighting a lot lately. It's frustrating! I feel like we can't communicate. Maybe it's more me than him. Because I'm on some sort of emotional roller coaster. I think I'm going to go in for a physical with my general practitioner.

I can't believe it's been 2 months and 2 days since the miscarriage. I want Josie to be a big sister and I want them to be close in age but I just can't wrap my head around being pregnant again. Just as I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of just being "unpregnant" after we lost the baby.

I love you Kameron. May you rest in Jesus' arms.

We got the test results back....

Friday, we had a doctor's appointment for my post D&C checkup. They also ended up having the test results back. I don't think either Brian or I thought they would be in already. First off the baby was a boy. A little brother for my kids. He had Trisomy 21. Which Dr. Brenner said was downs syndrome. She said that 78% of pregnancy where the baby has Trisomy 21 result in miscarriage. While it's good to know that I didn't kill my baby by lifting something that was too heavy or doing too much yard work, I'm still angry. I'm angry at God mostly. I've always been the person to say "God will never give you more than you can handle" I could've handled having him. I would have loved him no differently than I do Malakai or Josilyn. It's not fair. I will always love him and think of him everyday. He's my angel.

Harder

It seems to be harder when it's just me and the kids. With no adults to distract me all I can think about is the baby. I was reading a book today at the mall while sipping coffee and the lady in the book picked out "Cameron" for a baby name. I, out of habit, put my hand on my stomach and instantly felt empty inside. I can't sleep. Brian acts as though he's fine. I don't want him to see me upset. I just want to lay on the floor and kick and scream because it's not fair. I just want my baby back.

Empty arms for Kameron

This is the first of many blogs that I will post about my little angel, Kameron. No one seems to understand how I feel. I try to not let them see me upset. It takes sooo much energy to keep a smile on my face at all times. The only time I cry is in the bath tub with the door locked. I miss being pregnant. I miss sharing my body with my baby. I miss knowing Kameron. I'll never see my baby's face, or wipe tears, or kiss boo boo's. I'll never get a hug or a kiss or and "I love you mom" I know this might sound selfish or mean but it's hard having a miscarriage after you already have children. Don't get me wrong, I love them. But people keep telling me "be strong for the kids" and "at least you have malakai and josie"....because I have them doesn't mean I loved Kameron any less. Sometimes when they do something cute or even not so cute and I've been thinking about the baby, I think "I'll never see Kameron do that" When does the emptyness go away????