We got the test results back....

Friday, we had a doctor's appointment for my post D&C checkup. They also ended up having the test results back. I don't think either Brian or I thought they would be in already. First off the baby was a boy. A little brother for my kids. He had Trisomy 21. Which Dr. Brenner said was downs syndrome. She said that 78% of pregnancy where the baby has Trisomy 21 result in miscarriage. While it's good to know that I didn't kill my baby by lifting something that was too heavy or doing too much yard work, I'm still angry. I'm angry at God mostly. I've always been the person to say "God will never give you more than you can handle" I could've handled having him. I would have loved him no differently than I do Malakai or Josilyn. It's not fair. I will always love him and think of him everyday. He's my angel.

Harder

It seems to be harder when it's just me and the kids. With no adults to distract me all I can think about is the baby. I was reading a book today at the mall while sipping coffee and the lady in the book picked out "Cameron" for a baby name. I, out of habit, put my hand on my stomach and instantly felt empty inside. I can't sleep. Brian acts as though he's fine. I don't want him to see me upset. I just want to lay on the floor and kick and scream because it's not fair. I just want my baby back.

Empty arms for Kameron

This is the first of many blogs that I will post about my little angel, Kameron. No one seems to understand how I feel. I try to not let them see me upset. It takes sooo much energy to keep a smile on my face at all times. The only time I cry is in the bath tub with the door locked. I miss being pregnant. I miss sharing my body with my baby. I miss knowing Kameron. I'll never see my baby's face, or wipe tears, or kiss boo boo's. I'll never get a hug or a kiss or and "I love you mom" I know this might sound selfish or mean but it's hard having a miscarriage after you already have children. Don't get me wrong, I love them. But people keep telling me "be strong for the kids" and "at least you have malakai and josie"....because I have them doesn't mean I loved Kameron any less. Sometimes when they do something cute or even not so cute and I've been thinking about the baby, I think "I'll never see Kameron do that" When does the emptyness go away????